Icom Epeeonyou
Drucker’s Store
Petticoat Junction, Tennessee

 

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Switching his name doesn't bother him in the least, he just picks it up and carries on business as usual.  What a trooper!

 

From:  Barrister Larry Frank

March 7, 2008

Subject:  Urgent Informations

 

Attn: Icom Epeeonyou

 

This is to inform you that i have instructions from Mrs Faith  King that you have accepted to transfer her said fund, totalling sum of Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars presently deposited in a sundry account of a Bank.

 

Bear in mind that this transaction has been legalised and also all modalities have been put in place for a smooth and effective transfer of the said funds to your nomianted account in your country, So please be rest assured that your safety and that of all the individuals involved in this transaction is fully guranteed by my law firm.

 

I will start up arrangements with the Security Bank as regards the release of the said funds immediately. Note that I have also arranged all the necessaries and legal documents that will back up the claiming and release of the funds to you as the Nominee beneficiary to Mrs Faith King

In order to proceed with the processing of the funds release to you. You are required to kindly reconfirm  to me, the below information immediately. The below information will be used to represent you as the beneficiary to Mrs Faith King funds:

 

1. Full Name
2. Contact Address
3. Personal phone numbers
4. Occupation
 
(5) KINDLY SEND TO ME ANY FORM OF IDENTIFICATION WHICH MAY EITHER BE YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR DRIVER'S LICENCE OR PICTURE.
I WILL APPRECIATE TO RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING DETAILS FROM YOU IMMEDIATELY UPON RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL:

THERE ARE(3) OPTIONS OF WHICH YOU CAN SECURED THESE FUNDS WHICH WILL BE EITHER:
 
YOU ARE ADVISE TO KINDLY CHOOSE ANY OF THIS THREE OPTIONS IN WHICH YOU WILL LIKE TO SECURE THE RELEASE OF THE FUND.

1) IT IS EITHER YOU WILL BE REQUIRE TO SECURE YOUR PRESENCE IN AFRICA OR EUROPE THERE CORRPODENCE OFFICE FOR THE SIGNING OF THE RELEASE OF THE FUNDS IN CASH AS THE BENEFICIARY .

(2) ONLINE BANKING SYSTEM OF WHICH YOU WILL BE REQUIRED TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT WITH THE BANK FOR THE TRANSFER OF THE CHARITY FUNDS TO YOUR NOMINATED ACCOUNT.
 
(3) YOU CAN RECEIVE THE CONSIGNMENT OF FUNDS VIA SPECIAL DIPLOMATIC COURIER SERVICE WHICH YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COST OF SENDING YOU THE KEYS OF THE CONSIGNMENT AND THE DOCUMENTS VIA FEDEX COURIER SERVICES BEFORE THE CONSIGNMENT CAN BE SHIP TO YOU IN YOUR COUNTRY.

 

LET ME KNOW WHICH OF THESE OPTIONS ABOVE IS SUITABLE AND CONVENIENT FOR YOU THEN I WILL FUNISH YOU WITH THE CONTACT OF THE FIRM IN MY NEXT EMAIL UPON RECEIPT OF YOUR DETAIL INFORMATION AND STATUS.

ALSO I WILL INSTRUCT THE COMMENCEMENT OF THE LEGAL PAPERS EMPOWERING YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY.
 
On the receipt of the above information, I shall proceed further in presenting you as the bonafide beneficiary of the funds. and With this arrangements and plan on ground, the Bank will approve your application with immediate effect and further the released of the said funds to you.

 

Thanks as I anticipately look ahead to your earliest response to my email.
 

Best Regards,
Barrister Larry Frank

 

I let him stew for a few days – he sends the same note above again and then I get this one:

 

From:  Barrister Larry Frank

March 15, 2008

Subject:  WORRIED

 

Attn: Icom Epeeonyou

Hope you are fine, please kinldy update me on the situation of things Best Regards,

 

Barrister Larry Frank

 

from:  Joe Johns

to:  Barrister Larry Frank

March 18, 2008

Subject:  Urgent Informations

 

Dear Mr. Frank,

Thank you for your Email of March 15, 2008

I am sorry for taking so long in getting back to you.  I was detained by the revenuers and thrown in prison because of our moonshine business.  See, Jed Clampett has been running 'shine here in Petticoat Junction for over 50 years and I hep him out occasional because Jethro Bodine who is Jed's nephew, has a postal delivery route.  Ordinarily, Jethro is a fairly squared away guy but when he gets behind the wheel of that Email delivery van he's the biggest screw up you ever have done seen.  He puts my Email in someone else's post box, things like that and it really torques my jaw.

Anyway, I went to help Jed bottle up some 'shine so's we could run it along Razerback Ridge.  It's this little mountain top road here in Tenneesee that sits high above Petticoat Junction.  In fact, we're so high, we can look down and see Hooterville and the train pulling into Drucker's store.  The Cannonball Express is one fine train, Mr. Frank remind me to send you pictures of it.

Ok, there we were, ripping along Razerback Ridge when alla sudden out of the woods popped the damned ole revenuers, stopped us in the middle of our tracks, confiscated our moonshine, read us our rats and hauled us off to the hoosegow.  I tell you, it's enough to make me want to give up 'shining and go into truffle hunting with Ellie Mae.

I'm sorry for rambling on so but them damnable revenuers get my dander up.  Please, tell me what it is I need to do to get this little adventure going.

Ohhh, yeah, before I forget, you asked for a picture, this is me…

Now, send me a picture of yourself, I can’t wait to see who I’m dealing with Mr. Frank.

Sincerely,

Icom Epeeonyou
Drucker’s Store
Petticoat Junction, Tennessee

 

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From:  Barrister Larry Frank
to:  Joe Johns
Subject:  Contact the Bank
March 19, 2008

Attn: Icom Epeeonyou

I Received your mail, contact the bank through the email of the contact person,requesting from the bank the procedures for the funds of Mrs Faith  King to be transfered into your nominated account.
 
Contact Person:  Rev Kojo Steven
Name Of Bank:   Stanbic Bank (GH) Ghana
Address:            Valco Trust House Castle Road Ridge Accra
Email:     rev_kojosteven@hotmail.com
 
 
 Meanwhile after contacting the bank let me know the position of things and when you will receive the funds in your account, please take note that this transaction is very confidential expecially before you confirm the funds in your account, for the security of the funds.
Yours faithfully
Barrister Larry Frank.

 

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From:  Joe Johns
to:  Mrs. Faith King
Subject:  I Am Very Displeased
March 19, 2008

 

My dear, almost departed Mrs. King,

I'm afraid I don't know where to start.

First off, you must banish your barrister to another plane of existence immediately because he is obviously not performing in your best interests.  And, I highly suspect he's in league with your doctor.  I say this because of what has happened in the past 24 hours.  Indeed, I am concerned that Mr. Larry Frank is, in fact, trying to swindle you.

Why would he, after I contacted him, send me off to contact the bank?  Isn't he your barrister?  Isn't he the one who is supposed to know what's going on around here?  Why do I need to contact the bank?  He didn't even bother to tell me what I should be contacting them about!

Further, your barrister is being paid to do this work so I imagine he should be doing something more than telling me to call someone else.

Look, I have an extreme amount of pressure on my shoulders right now and the task you have set upon me is most trying.  Do you think for a moment that dividing up 5.5 million dollars to charity is something I do every day?  It's not an easy task and I certainly don't need it to be made more difficult by this idiot barrister of yours giving me extra things to do.

Now, you either find me someone with more legal knowledge than I have or tell this ass wipe to pull his head out of his ass so we can get this show on the road or you can find someone else to give away your inheritance money.

Icom Epeeonyou
Drucker’s Store
Petticoat Junction, Tennessee

 

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From:  Mrs. Faith King

To:  Joe Johns

Subject:  From Mrs. Faith King

March 20, 2008

 

 

Dear Icom Epeeonyou,

 

I was glad when i saw your mail expecially as i have been wondering the situation of things, as regard my lawyer you are very correct as i have been having doubt about his ability to conclude this transaction for me.

 

However i pray that the good lord will give me the strenght to conclude this with you.

 

So henceforth be corresponding with me as regard the transaction.

As soon as i hear from you i will send you the deposite certificate with which the funds was deposited.

 

Thanks for allyour efforts,

Stay Blessed,

Mrs Faith King.

 

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From:  Joe Johns

To:  Mrs. Faith King

Subject:  From Mrs. Faith King

March 20, 2008

 

My dear tenacious Mrs. King,

I am so awfully pleased to see that you're still among us.  For a wee bit there I was beginning to think the arduous task you laid out for me was going to be made even more difficult because of your idiot barrister.  I believe barristers and revenuers should all be executed.

Speaking of revenuers - the other day Ellie Mae and me was walking along Razerback Ridge with our coon dog, Bluetick.  I have to tell ya, that dog has some nose.  He's also good at sniffing out truffles.  Have you ever had a Tennessee truffle?  Let me tell you if you ever have one your tongue will slap your brains out, that's how good they are.

Anyway, where was I?  Ohhh, yeah...so there we were, Ellie Mae and me and ole Bluetick walking along Razerback Ridge with our truffle baskets and coon huntin' rifles and alla sudden ole Bluetick starts 'a yellering and and 'a howling and hauls off running lickity-split down da ridge.  Well, Sir, Ellie Mae and me looked at each other with desperation then ran tearing off after Bluetick.  By the time we turned the corner we seen where ole Bluetick had seven revenuers in a tree and they was shaking so bad you'd swear they was leaves.  We shot 'em all straight out da tree jess like dey was coons.

Now we done had us a problem and boff us realize reel quick dat we couldn't jess leave 'em there lying on the ground so we loaded them up and took 'em straight to Uncle Joe down to the Shady Rest Hotel and game checking station in Petticoat Junction.  Imagine our surprise when Uncle Joe handed us $70 dollars!  I had no idear there wuz a bounty on revenuers so me 'n Ellie Mae is gonna go revenuer huntin' next week end.

I'm sorry, there I go again flappin' my gums instead of thinkin' real hard on the job you have for me.

How soon can you send me your inheritance so I can start divvying it up?  Do you need me to sign some type of paper?  If so, I need to have Granny look it over.  Granny is our local notary public.  She owns the soda fountain down in Hooterville, it's called "Granny's Got The Runs".

Let me know what I need to do so you and I can proceed on this deal.

Ohh, yeah, I almost forgot.  I thought you'd like to see a picture of our coon dogs.  The one on the right is Bluetick.  The one in the middle is Snoopy and the one on the left is Barack Obama.  Barack is the idiot of the bunch...he jess runs around thinking he's going somewhere and is always barking up the wrong tree.

 

I await patiently for your instructions.  Please send me a picture of yourself so I can see how shriveled up you must be from suffering with cancer.

Icom Epeeonyou

Drucker’s Store

Petticoat Junction, Tennessee

 

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I reckon the picture of my coon dogs was the final straw for dear ole Faith and she scampered back to whatever hole she crawled out of and I never heard from her again.  It's a shame, really, because I was just about to introduce Oliver and Lisa Douglas and Mr. Haney and Eb from Green Acres.